First I do not photograph anymore, or at least do not really shoot anymore, just few snaps here where I live, here is a crap picture of the dog. But I like it as it represents how I am right now. Hopefully me and photo buddy, we are going to do a challenge of taking only 100 pictures in three months by shooting only things that interest us, nothing more. But because I stop working, I do not have a salary, she bought me 10 rolls of film, which represents the 100 pictures we are going to take (as this is medium format, please see this post). This challenge comes from Greg Miller, a fantastic photographer that is shooting with a 8x10 large format camera and he is only shooting 100 pictures every three months. I feel bad bad about that, not the challenge, but because I can't afford to buy my own films, even for my best friend who bought me the films, it is difficult to buy some, so it is at the same time a great honor to be offered such present.
Then I feel like a sh#t because I don't post/talk about photography anymore, as this current post is about my state of mind right now but not about any other post I made about photography. As I said I do not work for the moment (because of my illness) and as I am not earning money, I am blocked in many things that I do, for instance I would love to buy new books of photography (the new Mark Steinmetz is due for March) or some Japanese photographers that I would found on Shashasha webstore. It looks like the picture is litterally fading away from my life and I can't afford it as photography saved my life. If I don't shoot, have new books and see my new pictures I feel really bad.
Finally my relationnship with my family and relatives is difficult, my wife is getting mad at me as I am not enough independant (I live in Japan and do not speak very well the language), my daughter is lovely but she refuses to speak in French to me, only japanese, which sometimes is impossible for me to understand. I also just learned my father has alzheimer, he will be soon 82 years old and I feel I am going to loose him soon but at the same I am not sure I want to see him like this, it is horrible so I really feel like a sh#t.
To conclude, I would say that life sucks so much but I have met some really nice people, my best friend and recently I am contacting my niece, also a wonderful woman (she's 22 years old now, the last time I saw her she was about 6 years old...), she's an artist, she's making marvellous drawings but unfortunately she's like me, she's having depression so she has to quit her work (she is a trainee in a big game software company) and also to quit her art school for the moment. She believes her life is over. like me.
Life is a b#tch.